Hovering Your Kids 24/7 Does Not Create the Perfect Child

One would think that parents who attend their children 24/7 merit the “Best parent of the Year” award. However, this is far from reality because, rather than benefiting them, doing so harms the children.

It has been more than half a year since the quarantine began all over the world. Work and educational functions have become concentrated in living spaces and placed under the responsibility of the family. Parents are at home most of the day, living and working in the same area as their children, so they find it challenging to avoid monitoring them.

Monitoring their eating habits, academic performance, and communication may not seem like parents’ abnormal behavior. Still, it is if it’s done in excess. Starting to “fly over” or “hovering” (hence the term helicopter parenting) to tend to all the children’s actions all day is a warning sign.

Before the pandemic, this behavior was more likely to be seen in parents who were home all the time. However, with the fusion of work and school at home, it is difficult for parents to avoid helicopter behavior “because they’re right there working all day long on the other side of the room,” explains Meghan Moravcik Walbert.

“Today, many parents feel the pressure to be perfect. This is the wrong goal. Kids don’t need perfect parents; they need present parents, who are connected, not ‘hyper parents,'” says Verónica de Andrés, author of “Confianza total para tus hijos” (Total Confidence for your Children), a book written with her daughter.

“If we don’t allow our children to take measured risks and be independent, we are hurting them.”

So this type of parenting, far from benefiting the little one, harms him or her. According to Eva Millet, journalist and author of the book Hiperniños, ¿hijos perfectos o hipohijos? (Hyperchildren, Perfect Children or Hyper?), these types of parents raise “hyper children,” to whom “they give everything, they protect them from everything, and tell them what they should be […] which makes them ‘hyper children,’ little ones who do not know how to defend themselves, who are not autonomous because they have everything done for them.”

Despite good intentions, this parenting type can trigger self-esteem issues in children, who could experience anxiety, depression, and a low tolerance for frustration.

Actions that define “helicopter parents”

• Hovering over children in an overprotective and controlling way, hovering over them 24/7.

• Responding to questions addressed to young children, which they could answer personally without difficulty.

• Mediating simple disagreements between the child and his network of friends.

• Pushing teachers to select the child for the best roles in a school play even if their child is not the best for the part.

• Trying to get their children into programs, schools, or contests in which they may not have been accepted on their own merits.

• Managing family life as an organization or business, defining and being involved even in the smallest details.

• Aiming for perfection through their children’s activities, the food they eat, and the friendships they forge, to name a few.

   

How can I stop being a helicopter parent?

Respect the school hours. Do not be present during all the classes. Trust that the teacher will be able to keep things under control and that if your help is needed, it will be requested by the teacher or the child.

Allow them to make mistakes. Remember that errors end up teaching more than successes. There are situations the children should face themselves to learn from them. For Chris Drew, founder of The Helpful Professor, children must become independent and take risks. “Next time your child strikes out on their own, ask yourself: What is the worst-case scenario, and what are the potential benefits? If the worst case is a grazed knee or five minutes of tears, then that’s not a bad trade-off for the self-confidence and self-management skills that your child may get from experience. If we don’t let our children take measured risks and be independent, we’re doing them a disservice.”

“Kids don’t need perfect parents, they need present parents.”

Get on with your life. Try to get back as much as you can to the routine you had before the pandemic, whether you worked in an office or from home, while your child attends school.

Make the most of your time. Suppose you feel that you have too much time on your hands. In that case, it is an excellent time to learn something new, keep preparing, enjoy a good book, or enjoy the tranquility of a good tea or coffee. This can also be an excellent opportunity to have more family time but avoid actions that lead to overprotecting, controlling, or “flying” to the little ones’ rescue.

Give them their space. Above all, give children space and pay attention to their feelings and behavior. Trust their abilities, learn to listen to them, and understand them.

Finding a balance between protection and overprotection can be tricky. Trying to change overnight is not easy. Remember that all good change begins step by step. Seek gradual change both for your benefit and your child’s. The important thing is always to go in the same direction to the goal: to achieve the best, not the “perfect,” development possible for your children.

Translation by Daniel Wetta.

Driveth Razo

Share

This article from Observatory of the Institute for the Future of Education may be shared under the terms of the license CC BY-NC-SA 4.0